By nature, I am not an overly positive person. I don’t know if this is a character flaw and I don’t even know if ‘character flaw’ is the right way to express my predisposition for negative thoughts. Perhaps it is related to my always present always lurking depression? Who knows? What I do know however is that other people telling me, “just be positive” or “you can’t think like that” is, though well intentioned, perhaps the least helpful advice imaginable. Have you ever told an anxious person to, “calm down?” How does that normally work out? Has the phrase, “don’t worry” ever really taken worry away from a person?
13 years ago, I walked through the muted beige halls of Pilgrim. Another year, another group of hopeful students shuffling curiously from classroom to classroom. Fresh off my sophomore year, and in my 3rd year at Pilgrim these days seemed to blur together like any other. I had it figured out, the mask of a friendly smile, the quick wit, and enough charm to fool anyone who decided to pry a little deeper into my psyche. Being a below-average student, with a “carefree” attitude, teachers, and mentors alike dismissed me as nothing and I believed them. My own demons, of self-doubt and insecurities, weren’t easy to see, as I’ve had years of practice to master my craft, the mask of happiness. Being deemed “nothing”, was fine by me, even worse it was accepted as something to strive for. For life had no meaning (the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal) For me, like our friend Dimitri, there was no meaning.
These days were dark, without even discussing the troubles I was having at home, there was something lacking in my days of idly strolling through the halls at Pilgrim. I was nothing. -was-
My junior year changed things for me, in a subtle way. I walked into a history class with a teacher who seemed excited, almost anxious to start. “Oh great, a new teacher. Here we go” New teachers were always the same, a glint in their eye that they’re going to change the world. Some sort of modern approach, which usually meant more work and stricter grading. This was going to be a long year I thought but I’ll breeze through this and do the bare minimum and fool this guy like the rest. This chubby guy who was selling pizzas last week stood no chance of getting through…
A few months in, I found myself in a strange place. Mr. X was actually different. He was funny and didn’t have the raging ego of other new teachers. Maybe I let my guard down? Maybe he saw through me? I can’t be certain today what it was. I remember one day, he stopped me before leaving class. “Hey, what’s going on?” – “All good here, why what’s up?” I answered, with a practiced smile to disarm any inquisitor.
“No, somethings not right, why don’t you try? – You’re clearly intelligent, and know the material but you don’t do homework, you don’t do any of these assignments. All of your test grades are the highest in the class, but you’re barely passing my class. What’s going on?”
“I’m just inherently lazy, of course,” I said easily enough, with another cool smile drawn on my face.
“No, you’ve got something man. You know if you just tried, you’d be a genius or something. You need to wake up, you’re wasting your potential”
Potential? Me?
--------
This was one of the first encounters I had that would begin to change my life. Albeit a small moment, the seed planted was something I needed. A momentarily belief that I could be something. A sense of responsibility to myself. I continued in your class my entire junior year and onto my senior year I signed up again. It was your teaching that ignited my passion for traveling and what brought me out of my own weird teenage darkness. You may bask in negativity here but understand the world of a difference your moment of positivity did for me. I hope that this writing can be a small light in your hour of darkness.
P.S. Sorry for calling you chubby, you lost a lot of weight the next year. Probably trying to impress Kelly after single X was on the move! My man.
A moment of positivty.
13 years ago, I walked through the muted beige halls of Pilgrim. Another year, another group of hopeful students shuffling curiously from classroom to classroom. Fresh off my sophomore year, and in my 3rd year at Pilgrim these days seemed to blur together like any other. I had it figured out, the mask of a friendly smile, the quick wit, and enough charm to fool anyone who decided to pry a little deeper into my psyche. Being a below-average student, with a “carefree” attitude, teachers, and mentors alike dismissed me as nothing and I believed them. My own demons, of self-doubt and insecurities, weren’t easy to see, as I’ve had years of practice to master my craft, the mask of happiness. Being deemed “nothing”, was fine by me, even worse it was accepted as something to strive for. For life had no meaning (the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal) For me, like our friend Dimitri, there was no meaning.
These days were dark, without even discussing the troubles I was having at home, there was something lacking in my days of idly strolling through the halls at Pilgrim. I was nothing. -was-
My junior year changed things for me, in a subtle way. I walked into a history class with a teacher who seemed excited, almost anxious to start. “Oh great, a new teacher. Here we go” New teachers were always the same, a glint in their eye that they’re going to change the world. Some sort of modern approach, which usually meant more work and stricter grading. This was going to be a long year I thought but I’ll breeze through this and do the bare minimum and fool this guy like the rest. This chubby guy who was selling pizzas last week stood no chance of getting through…
A few months in, I found myself in a strange place. Mr. X was actually different. He was funny and didn’t have the raging ego of other new teachers. Maybe I let my guard down? Maybe he saw through me? I can’t be certain today what it was. I remember one day, he stopped me before leaving class. “Hey, what’s going on?” – “All good here, why what’s up?” I answered, with a practiced smile to disarm any inquisitor.
“No, somethings not right, why don’t you try? – You’re clearly intelligent, and know the material but you don’t do homework, you don’t do any of these assignments. All of your test grades are the highest in the class, but you’re barely passing my class. What’s going on?”
“I’m just inherently lazy, of course,” I said easily enough, with another cool smile drawn on my face.
“No, you’ve got something man. You know if you just tried, you’d be a genius or something. You need to wake up, you’re wasting your potential”
Potential? Me?
--------
This was one of the first encounters I had that would begin to change my life. Albeit a small moment, the seed planted was something I needed. A momentarily belief that I could be something. A sense of responsibility to myself. I continued in your class my entire junior year and onto my senior year I signed up again. It was your teaching that ignited my passion for traveling and what brought me out of my own weird teenage darkness. You may bask in negativity here but understand the world of a difference your moment of positivity did for me. I hope that this writing can be a small light in your hour of darkness.
P.S. Sorry for calling you chubby, you lost a lot of weight the next year. Probably trying to impress Kelly after single X was on the move! My man.
With love,
A former pupil