By nature, I am not an overly positive person. I don’t know if this is a character flaw and I don’t even know if ‘character flaw’ is the right way to express my predisposition for negative thoughts. Perhaps it is related to my always present always lurking depression? Who knows? What I do know however is that other people telling me, “just be positive” or “you can’t think like that” is, though well intentioned, perhaps the least helpful advice imaginable. Have you ever told an anxious person to, “calm down?” How does that normally work out? Has the phrase, “don’t worry” ever really taken worry away from a person?
I envy positive thinkers, I really do. I believe in the power of positive thought, I just don’t seem to have that spark or the ability to do so. I am fascinated by the minds and works of folks like Marcus Aurelius, William James, Bertrand Russell, and Daniel Klein. They have a way of seeing the best in the world while not pretending evil does not exist. Though life is filled with disappointment, pain, and loss, these thinkers never stopped seeking how to best live and how to make positive and lasting contributions to the world. Believe me, if I had a choice between how I think and the way of the positive Jedi, I would choose the Jedi all day long. Instead, rather than searching for paths to meaning, I often find myself questioning if there is any meaning to any of this. In his introduction to Metaphysics, Daniel Klein shared a quick conversation between a pair of old Greek friends. I’m not sure with whom I identify more, Dimitri or Tasso…
Dimitri: Something’s been bothering me lately, Tasso.
Tasso: What’s that?
Dimitri: What is the meaning of it all?
Tasso: All what?
Dimitri: You know, life, death, love - the whole stuffed grape leaf.
Tasso: What makes you think any of it has any meaning?
Dimitri: Because it has to. Otherwise life would just be…
Tasso: What?
Dimitri: I need an ouzo.
So, on my bookshelf next to Aurelius, James, Russell, and Klein you will also find Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Sartre, and Camus. Not exactly the Sith of philosophy, but definitely no Jedi. I am a true believer in philosophy and of the great collective human mind. I think that the world would be a much more peaceful and reasonable place if people studied more philosophy (or any). I always strive to be a logical thinker even if I am not a positive one. But, as has been proven time and time again, the death blow to logic is emotion, and while I have tried to train myself to be a logical thinker, being an emotional thinker and a reactionary one comes all too naturally to me.
And so when my wife first told me about a lump she found, mentally and emotionally I was already done. My mind immediately went to very dark places and there was nothing I could do about that. After some testing we were told that that lump was breast cancer and that the road ahead was going to be pretty rough. There is no philosophy that can sooth my nerves, placate my anger, or calm my fears. Upon hearing this news, for the first time I felt and feel that philosophy is useless. Some of you may laugh about that realization, but for me it hits very hard. All the collective wisdom of the ages can offer me nothing. Holy books, of which I am well versed, offer me nothing.
My faith, such that it is, now is aimed at the doctors and others who will do all they can to get my wife through this - them and of course my wife herself, who as always, is displaying strength, positivity, and grace in the face of my weakness, negativity, and implacability.
And so for now I say with all sincerity, Fuck Cancer.
A moment of positivty.
13 years ago, I walked through the muted beige halls of Pilgrim. Another year, another group of hopeful students shuffling curiously from classroom to classroom. Fresh off my sophomore year, and in my 3rd year at Pilgrim these days seemed to blur together like any other. I had it figured out, the mask of a friendly smile, the quick wit, and enough charm to fool anyone who decided to pry a little deeper into my psyche. Being a below-average student, with a “carefree” attitude, teachers, and mentors alike dismissed me as nothing and I believed them. My own demons, of self-doubt and insecurities, weren’t easy to see, as I’ve had years of practice to master my craft, the mask of happiness. Being deemed “nothing”, was fine by me, even worse it was accepted as something to strive for. For life had no meaning (the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal) For me, like our friend Dimitri, there was no meaning.
These days were dark, without even discussing the troubles I was having at home, there was something lacking in my days of idly strolling through the halls at Pilgrim. I was nothing. -was-
My junior year changed things for me, in a subtle way. I walked into a history class with a teacher who seemed excited, almost anxious to start. “Oh great, a new teacher. Here we go” New teachers were always the same, a glint in their eye that they’re going to change the world. Some sort of modern approach, which usually meant more work and stricter grading. This was going to be a long year I thought but I’ll breeze through this and do the bare minimum and fool this guy like the rest. This chubby guy who was selling pizzas last week stood no chance of getting through…
A few months in, I found myself in a strange place. Mr. X was actually different. He was funny and didn’t have the raging ego of other new teachers. Maybe I let my guard down? Maybe he saw through me? I can’t be certain today what it was. I remember one day, he stopped me before leaving class. “Hey, what’s going on?” – “All good here, why what’s up?” I answered, with a practiced smile to disarm any inquisitor.
“No, somethings not right, why don’t you try? – You’re clearly intelligent, and know the material but you don’t do homework, you don’t do any of these assignments. All of your test grades are the highest in the class, but you’re barely passing my class. What’s going on?”
“I’m just inherently lazy, of course,” I said easily enough, with another cool smile drawn on my face.
“No, you’ve got something man. You know if you just tried, you’d be a genius or something. You need to wake up, you’re wasting your potential”
Potential? Me?
--------
This was one of the first encounters I had that would begin to change my life. Albeit a small moment, the seed planted was something I needed. A momentarily belief that I could be something. A sense of responsibility to myself. I continued in your class my entire junior year and onto my senior year I signed up again. It was your teaching that ignited my passion for traveling and what brought me out of my own weird teenage darkness. You may bask in negativity here but understand the world of a difference your moment of positivity did for me. I hope that this writing can be a small light in your hour of darkness.
P.S. Sorry for calling you chubby, you lost a lot of weight the next year. Probably trying to impress Kelly after single X was on the move! My man.
With love,
A former pupil